FairyPurpleBee SPEAKS

my four year plan

2007-02-10T03:20:40Z

ok i think i got it.

my four year plan is CRAZY. my plans are to double major in Biology with Neuroscience and Psychology with Health&Counseling. how nutty is that? i cant wait until things cool down in a bit. you know how you just get those BURSTS of tons of homework and you get wicked stressed out and dont have enough time to do it all? yeah thats now. so i should probably get back to that....

nervous.

2007-02-06T06:48:25Z

unsurprisingly, im nervous.

im nervous about my classes, im nervous about my homework, im nervous about my grades, im nervous about cheerleading, im nervous about best buddies, im nervous about my computer because i think it has another virus, im nervous about my time management for this week, im nervous that i didnt get the reading assignment for short fiction tomorrow and i havent been doing the reading lately and havent been participating and the whole grade depends on participation, im nervous because i dont think ill raise my GPA even though it means so much to me, im nervous that i dont have enough time to settle my body at an equilibrium/balance because im so stressed, im nervous that im gaining weight, im nervous that at practice i physically wont be able to run ten laps around the gym with the rest of the girls and possibly pass out, im nervous that im not calling my mom as much, im nervous that im not helping people that should be helped, im nervous that my valentines day plans wont follow through or work out, im nervous about cheering at basketball games because i havent learned the cheers well and im nervous about looking stupid, im nervous that i wont be able to buy sophia a birthday present, and im also nervous because i have to and when i do i have to buy emily one too because i didnt get her anything for her birthday last month and it would be unfair.

but it did help to vent all that out.
i'll work on my nervousness.

im so ready

2007-01-31T21:25:28Z

im totally in the mood to study. i just cleaned my room. im wicked hungry tho. i still have time to study and eat before practice at nine! i hope im actually productive. usually most of the time i study is wasted with avoiding studying.

major lacking

2007-01-30T19:13:38Z

sorry journal, i've been seriously lacking here with writing. i joined cheerleading. i really like it. i did it in 8th and 9th grade, so i'm still really shaky. i feel really embarassed when it comes to the actual cheering and jumping up and down. i only joined it for the training and the competitions.. like stunting and such. its neat to watch the basketball games though and by looking at how we did last night, we're pretty good. im getting to know some other people i wouldnt have known otherwise, so thats nice too.

i like how my classes are going. but my Physiological Bases of Behavior has SO much to learn and we do go pretty darned fast. i like the material buti wish that i had more time to work with it. i feel likei just dont have the time that i used to. and i mean, i did try to fill up my time a lot more this semester than last semester. maybe i subconsciously like stress and dont even know it? i highly doubt that. maybe i fear not doing anything more than doing too much. im not sure if thats a good or a bad thing.

i know my livejournal isnt the most interesting, but really if anyone actually reads this, its just for me because i like to write. its just out there if you feel like reading it. if anyone has any interest in whats going on in my life. some entries are set as more private than others that i only want friends to read. so if you want to read those, just ask to be added as a friend. :)

so...

2007-01-23T19:36:15Z

i realized that i start every entry with "so." sorry if thats annoying.

the classes have started...

2007-01-22T18:42:17Z

so now the classes have started. im nervous about my philosphy class. the teacher was pretty much trying to talk us into switching out of the class because its so hard and what do i do today? i dont go because i oversleep with a headache. great. it was the second class today. nice job chalice. i really need to visit my neighbor and see what i missed in the class. except the only thing is when you ask someone else what you missed, theyll be like oh.. nothing really. dont worry about it. or thell tell you in like two sentences what happened. and that pretty much doesnt suffice for what you missed and you get behind. but ill try my best i guess. we'll see what happens. i slacked off a lot as far as getting my homework done this weekend so today is really my last chance to get it done before my classes tomorrow.

back at Emmanuel..

2007-01-17T06:19:42Z

so im finally back at emmanuel. break went by quickly, it seemed. i didnt do much, but i enjoyed it. i think that i really needed the time off. but i realized that as college students we have a whole lot of time off! between the summer vacation, winter vacation, spring break and all the catholic holy days we have no class for, it seems like we're out of school for almost half the year! im not sure if i like it.. maybe i do. but im still not sure.

i have a ton of energy right now because i had an extra large coffee at around eight, so now i cant sleep. stupid idea. but i was feeling really bummy and i knew that caffeine always picks me up and puts me in a good mood. it did! but now everyone is asleep or trying to and im up. good thing i dont have an early class tomorrow, or else id surely have a hard time getting up. im definitely the type of person who cant function unless if i have a good nights sleep. if i dont get enough sleep ill fall asleep throughout the day. standing up. sitting down. during conversation. walking. whatever. ill be half asleep to make up for the lost sleep i had. even if its only a couple of hours. which totally sucks. i wish that i could just skip sleep sometimes and have absolutely no side effects. think of how much extra time that would give a person!

im in a really good mood. and im so thankful for it. i love good moods. theyre so nice.

happy yule and merry christmas

2006-12-26T21:11:24Z

yes it was.

but today, the day after christmas, my vavo''s chiuhauha died. he looked at her all quivering and then his spirit left his body with his eyes still focused on my vavo'. shes been crying all day long. that dog was only about 9 years old. but he was a sickly dog. overweight and his skull never fully grew over his brain. his teeth started to fall out and the rest were wobbly so badly that he couldnt eat. he lost all the weight and was skin and bones until his death. my vovo^ buried a grave in their backyard and put the chiuhauha in it lying on his side just as he had died. his name was brane-dayne.

vavo' was babysitting my uncle's kids, two little girls, when brane died. they were scared because my grandparents were crying and moaning just as the old country portuguese do when someone dies. the girls didnt know what to do so they would just go up to vavo' and say "vavo', i love you." which helped her a bit i think. i brought over a gingerbread house that i meant to make before christmas but never got around to, over vavo''s house to occupy the girls so they wouldnt think about it so much. they saw the tiny little dead brane lying on vavo's bed wrapped up in a blanket.

the girls, emily and chelsea, really enjoyed making the house. i put the icing where they needed it and they decorated the whole thing. i dont know my little cousins very much because theyre so shy. even if they do warm up to you one day they seem to pretend like they never knew you the next time you see them. its like trying to bond with them all over again. because they busy themselves with each other playing games i never seemed able to make the effort to get to know them but they really are sweet little girls.

ah well, besides all this tragedy, christmas eve and christmas day were very nice. on christmas eve i went to my best friend Kristine's family get-together over her step-grandmother's house. weve known each other for so long that theyre really my family too. we exchanged gifts and it was a good time. after that we went to my stepdad's sister's house to eat a fabulous meal. i LOVE shrimp cocktail and they had a bunch of it before the meal. i think i ate more of that than i did once we all sat down at the table. my stepdad's neice has a little baby and he was watching this educational baby video that showed words and the sign (in sign language) for them and pictures and such, so i sat next to him with my arm around him and watched it with him. it really was almost hyptnotizing.. there were so many colors. no wonder you couldnt get his eyes off of it. i learned some sign language too. youd never expect to learn something from a yearling-2yr educational video. but i learned how to sign swing, couch, blocks, computer, cup, book, table, window, cat... thats all i can think of right now. but thats an impressive amount, isnt it? christmas eve is when we open our presents. i got some wonderful books on paganism and a very expensive wand with crystals and chakra stones, i got clothes and some meditation CDs to reflect on the different forms of the goddess. i was estatic.
christmas morning we had a big breakfast at our house with my grandparents and spent the rest of the day lounging around. it was a great time.
On yule, we burned the log, toasted marshmallows, sang carols, opened a couple of gifts, and talked about the year ahead of us. i wish i could celebrate with a little more emphasis on yule but everyone does things on christmas. i think christmas is more like an american holiday than a religious one because even atheists celebrate it. its not about jesus anymore. its about family and gifts, now. how did that come about? oh well, it doesnt bother me . its nice i think.

happy winter solstice!

2006-12-22T05:40:21Z

it was a good winter solstice. i enjoyed it.

mom and i laughed a lot, went shopping, just had a great time in general. then went home and had some chicken salad with cranberry sause sandwitches... well i did. everyone else thinks its a terrible mix, but its really good! ah well, who knows if you can take my advice with food anyway? i like the weirdest things.

im looking forward to seeing jessica this weekend. i dunno what we'll do. she'll probably come over and we'll catch up on whats been going on or something. then i get to give kristine her gift on saturday.. hopefully. if she can come over.

i left a note to my old boss at Children's Express asking if i could work for the vacation im here because she wasnt there. kristin (my old co-worker) said that they could use the help and welcomed me in. made me feel nice. i never felt like i belonged there. i only liked it cuz of the kids, really. i just feel that adults are too judgmental.

and kara might be having a sleepover on wednesday or thursday! this vacation is moving right along! i'm feeling very content here at home. and really glad to be here. now i just need to get my sleeping pattern okay. i couldnt sleep at all last night. it was complete torture. i was up for hours just lying there between light sleeping and fully awake. then i heard my mom turn the house alarm off and i jumped up and thought to myself "NO EFFING WAY.." looked at the clock, and it was 7am. i was disgusted. i finally did get to sleep. at 7:45. woke up at 9 then back to sleep then at 10 then back to sleep then at 10:30 back to sleep, 11 then at 1pm. sucks, huh? needless to say, im tired and i hope i get to sleep tonight.

now because Yule (the winter solstice) has hit, it is a time of spiritual paths because the earth tides are turning. its a time to reach out to friends and family, the lonely and the needy. this is the time for death and renewal. the sun has officially fallen as far as it can go, and now from this point on, it will only grow higher. new things will grow from here. ah, i love being pagan.

home home home

2006-12-21T05:23:33Z

so, its nice to be home. i'm glad really. i think i needed to get away.

now i just need to call the daycare i worked at over the summer to see if they'll take me for the month. id really like to earn some money. if i cant find a job, id like to volunteer. i refuse to be a lazy bum.

id also like to make a point to see some people. over vacation i want to see kaitlyn, kara, april, jenn, chris, eric, kelsey and justine. if possible id like to see jamie and akiko too.

moonlight breakfast

2006-12-15T04:10:47Z

if sara didnt tell me about it, i wouldnt have known. i had fun though.

the moonlight breakfast is where all the students go to the cafeteria and have the faculty serve them breakfast the night before finals. First i went with cara, danielle, matt and franchesca, but they only wanted to eat and then leave. and i kinda wanted to dance except my performance anxiety was telling me "uhh no! youll look like an 'effing fool!" so i left with them. i went up to caras room and stayed there for about twenty minutes or so before i decided to leave to finish up my final exam paper for critical inquiry thats due tomorrow by 2:00pm. Sara texted me, "hey! im sorry i missed your call! I'm over at the moonlight breakfast! come on over!" so i thought to myself hey, shes probably dancing because im sure everybody's done eating by now. So i headed over.

I came in and couldnt find her. so i sat down and then holly found me and sat next to me. i was happy to see her. Then i spotted sara and told her to come over, and when she did she said "LETS DANCE!!! LETS DANCE!!!" and i was just kind of like "uhhhh..." so i chugged my rockstar energy drink to help me out.

i stalled dancing for a while.. but ended up clapping and shifting my weight from one leg to the other, lifting one foot up at a time. (that was dancing.) i knew i looked like a fool. and i could just say that i didnt care. but i did. but i guess not enough for me to stop. i was trying hard to just have fun. and i did have fun. it was nerve-wracking fun. but still fun!

but there was this guy.

he came over to our circle of girls and started dancing with us. which was nice! I was like yeah!! because you know, all is welcome to dance with us! but then he started picking out girls one at a time and slowly moved closer and closer to them until he was grinding with them. as soon as the girl noticed he was there shed dance away. then hed pick out another girl for his prey. for a good while he was following me around. i thought i made it pretty blatantly obvious that i didnt want to dance with him. he just kept looking down at my tush and moving in for the kill. he made me nervous. and i couldnt help but make terrified faces when he came close to me. he smelled like cow manure too, by the way. i would grab one of the girls and push her in front of me and start dancing with her. i wonder if this boy has asperger syndrome or something. there was something wrong with him but i dont know what it was.

i just felt the need to report this very interesting story to my livejournal. it made me laugh.

overwhelmed.

2006-12-12T22:34:30Z

goodness i feel overwhelmed. i didnt end up finishing one of my papers last night. so i came to class and explained to lederman my difficulties and he helped me out a bit. but i promised him that id email it to him tonight. so that puts pressure on me a bit because i have an appointment at some point tonight with shauna from st annes to teach her how to crochet. my mailbox wont open and i know i have money and stuff in there and the mail room claim that they never got my email from like two weeks ago asking for them to get someone to fix it. i had to search all over campus for where i can get another RA application because they ran out of them at the informational meeting. AND i need a roomate switch thing even though i probably wont be moving out of my room, but who knows! so i need to get that from kristin because i cant find it on any of the conferences (since i forgot which one they posted it on, i checked them all!)

yonis is a pretty funny character. if i didnt have so much stuff to do, id probably hang out with him and his puerto rican friend downstairs i forget his name. they crack me up. they seem to think its great that im a lesbian. i like it. no actually i love it. because i love being gay. we talk about chicks. its great.

well im starving now so im going to make myself some easy mac and lucky charms and then im going down to kristin to get a roomate switch form and then gonna do this silly paper that i need to email to lederman tonight. somewhere in there i should be getting a phone call from shauna when to come over. crocheting should be fun. i havent taught anyone since senior year and i really liked it. plus ive never met her before, and meeting new people is always interesting.

ta ta for now.

despite the cold, the sun is shining in chalices world

2006-12-12T02:23:50Z

after psychology class, i went to the top floor of the administration building to meet with christina for a second drawing session. she wanted me to pose for her sitting in a chair so she could draw me. it was kinda fun! except there was an art professor there reviewing student's portfolios so we couldnt put on music, so i was kinda ancy. i kept moving around. i hope that didnt make christina stop earlier than she wanted to. while her eyes were focused on drawing i asked her if she wanted to get something to eat afterwards. she looked up at me and said, "what?" because the charcoal is loud to draw with.

fifteen minutes later i was waiting for her in my room because she needed to go upstairs first. i grabbed my two 5 dollar bills and we were off. we both enjoyed some tuna wraps (even though the d'angelos people put some funky red stuff in it what iiii didnt like!) and after we were done we talked. it was a really nice conversation. not that what we were talking about was especially nice, well some of it was. but it was just being able to talk to her that made it so nice. we talked about how im forming my own group of friends now. and we talked about my old friends? upstairs. i dont know if theyre my old friends. or still my friends. or not at all. i have absolutely no idea where i stand there. i just wish there could be peace. why cant we all just have unconditional love for one another? life would be so much better and everyone would be so much happier.

we talked about loving one each other, too. which is always a nice thing to hear. its something that can never get old.

on the way back we picked up some coffee from dunkin donuts (and i picked up my french toast twist! mmm!) and we walked quickly back to school because it was so cold! we talked about having to pee really badly and laughed the whole way because thats what i had to do!

i wont be able to take her to see the miniature christmas houses and fire in the lake in slater park this weekend. which is kind of a bummer. but its finals weekend. so that makes it tough.

even though today was pretty much non productive on my part, i feel really good about it. it was a good day. :)
I'm happy.
Goodnight.

why?

2006-12-11T19:40:39Z

why the heck did i wait till the last minute to do all of these papers? i always do this to myself. except this time when i just sit down and do them, its not pouring out of me like it has in the past.

writing has always been so easy for me, but lederman writes so differently than i've been taught to before. i need to write two major papers TONIGHT. and theyre both long. shit.

but im going to try out for the emmanuel cheerleading squad. i know i dont seem like a cheerleader but believe it or not i did it in early high school and loved it. i just quit because i couldnt stand the girls. they were all so snobby and hated each other. i couldnt be around a bunch of girls that hated each other. what a negative environment. so i asked michelle about it and she said that theyre all nice and such. im kind of excited. in high school i payed over $300 just for uniforms and bags and such, but michelle said that its all free. that makes it a lot easier. i cant wait for spring semester to start up. im even excited about my new classes. what a dork, huh?

weird dream

2006-12-07T17:12:15Z

i had a dream last night that i slept over yo's place and woke up at twelve and it was completely dark outside. i asked her if the sun ever even came up but i dont remember what her response was.

but before all that i was at a Bay View alumni thing that was like a test so the school could see just how well they educated their students were when they left Bay View. there were a lot of free stuff and i was looking all around the rows of things (which looked insanely similar to the setup of Borders Bookstore in Attleboro) and deciding what i wanted to take. i knew that there was free stuff but i also knew that not everything could be free because they had some really nice things on the shelves but i wanted to take them anyway and if i got caught, say that i thought they were free.

i would NEVER do that in real life!!! but i guess i would in this dream..

so then i was back at yoandree's place and i was in the bathroom about to take a shower. but my new roomate was there, cara. and she told me that Martin Luther King Jr. saw cuts on me and thought that i cut myself on purpose! and i said "how would he even think that! i dont even know who he is!" and she said that he was a pedophile and has been watching me!

then i was back at the bay view bookstore place and melissa curran was there and she told me that she had a paper on Martin Luther King Junior and she had to write to him to get a real good source. he wrote back to her saying that he was looking for the museum she wanted to meet him in but then found out that the museum was all the way over here in rhode island (even though im in mass.) so he went over and has been spying on us. then melissa told me too that he was a pedophile and was watching me.

then i looked around for more stuff while i was thinking about how scared i was that Martin Luther King Jr was probably looking at me for all i knew and tried to get my mind off of it so i thought about picking up this white yarn to make christina a warm snowy blanket or this brown yarn to make my mommy a new scarf.

weird dream huh? in psychology, the best way to figure out what it means is to interpret your own dream. but i dont have time to do that right now.

waking up when the sun has already gone down

2006-12-06T20:30:14Z

so now i've already taken a shower, made my bed, aaand thats about it. I still have to write one more response paper, my speech paper, my machiavelli and lau tzu paper and my final paper in critical inquiry. i feel like ive been writing papers like crazy. i just hope they come out good. what am i gonna do when i'm actually done with all these papers? i dont really have anything to study for, for exams. my psychology exam should be fair, i dont have a critical inquiry exam.. only a paper, and then i have my first year seminar exam where i have noo idea what it's going to be on. he'll probably ask us about issues we've talked about in class and for us to elaborate on them or something, since the class is really a discussion class and we're supposed to learn a new perspectives and ways of thinking.

i really cant wait till cara moves in. she seems really cool. i bet we'll get along well. i love the fact that she laughs a lot. now i'll be able to joke around with her. jokes are good for the soul. its true. makes you happier when you feel free to joke.

when she moves in i'd kinda like to move the room around. im not exactly sure how.. but i'd like to. maybe ill raise my bed up? but i kind of dont really want to jump up onto my bed. i love my bed by the way. its the most comfortable bed ive ever slept in. that mattress foam my mom bought for me is amazing. i feel confident that we'll get along well. i'm also kinda excited for my courses next semester. theyre really intense. these courses i have this semester are really easy. i want something thatll keep me busy.. like a challenge! next semester i'm taking

MONDAYS & WEDNESDAYS: Philosophy of Religion...........12:00pm - 1:15pm
TUESDAYS & THURSDAYS: Physiological Bases of Behavior..10:50am - 12:05pm
ITECH.............................1:40pm - 2:55pm
Short Fiction.....................3:05pm - 4:20pm
US History Since 1877.............4:30pm - 5:45pm

so i really only get a lunch break on tuesdays and thursdays from a quarter past twelve to about 1:30. thats a good chunk of time to be able to eat and study but those two days of the week are gonna be pretty hardcore. wednesdays should be my break and thank goodness i have fridays off!

gosh im starving now. i woke up like three hours ago. i'm going to go make myself some mac and cheese.
caio.

i just really need to let all of these bottled up feelings out.

2006-12-06T06:49:42Z

man, it sure does suck when you know the only thing that can heal your pain is time. its been two days since the breakup. three if you count today as an extra day because its after midnight. sometimes i feel miserable and i feel nausious. other times i dont feel so bad and i feel like im getting better, until something triggers it off again. i'm seeing a slight improvement every day though.

when i woke up this morning a little better.. maybe i should just try waking up earlier in the morning. so i went to breakfast and did make it on time. and when i went to sit down i sat by myself, but after i put down my bag and took off my coat to get myself all situated and comfy in my seat i saw my three friends sitting a few tables down in the cafeteria. well i felt stupid because they kept turning around and looking at me so i thought maybe they were wondering why i wasnt sitting with them. its happened before, you know. not with me, but with someone else when i was sitting with them. theyd look over and be like well is she going to sit with us? but never actually get up or do anything. so i picked up my bag and my breakfast and walked over to them. it was deathly uncomfortable but i was determined to try and keep everything as normal as possible. So i put down my tray and said "hey guys! I didnt see you sitting here!" they were completely silent. not even a smile or a look up from their plates. my stomach turned. "is it alright if i sit here?" silence. then one of them looked up and said "i dont see why you'd want to." and i felt like i just got jabbed in the stomach. i said "why?" because i thought to myself maybe because of the state of mind im in im blowing this out of proportion and assuming its the worst, even though i knew. she said, "we just really dont like the way you treat christina." and wow that just really ugh, hit the soft spot. i said "but we were going to stay friends" and i waited for a response. then when i recieved none i said ".. i guess not.." and then walked away. i couldnt eat in the same cafeteria after being humiliated like that. i felt like shit. so i ran up to the grill and asked for a plastic plate. i dumped my food on it and ran out. well, it felt like running in my mind. my legs werent moving fast enough, even though my thoughts were racing. as soon as the cold air hit my cheeks i started to sob. i never treated christina badly. NEVER. and i would never. shes amazing. it killed me just to think that someone thought that i had. if i HAD treated her badly and knew it then it would have been easier to shrug off but i tried my damndest best to treat her the best that i could possibly treat her. I had nowhere to go, nowhere but the person i've always gone to.. christina. she always made me feel better. even though i knew we werent together anymore i was hoping that she would be there for me like she said she would. so i called her and asked her if i could talk to her.

she was asleep but rolled out of bed and met me in the lounge to listen to me cry and hold my hand to make me feel better. she gave me a hug too. it didnt feel like the hugs we always had but it felt really good. she said that she never thought that they would do that and that she never said anything to them to make them do that. she told me that if i didnt want to run into them again id better leave by going down the stairs on the other side of the floor. i said okay. and i did. and as i did i started to feel kind of crappy again. not as crappy as before though. but crappy because i mean wow i was actually going down the other stairs so i wouldnt run into my friends. i appreciate them supporting christina. she needs support because shes been hurt in the past. but i dont think its fair for them to do what they think she should do and take her role for her, sort of like live through our relationship. nobody knows what our relationship was like but us. nobody understands it but us. there are moments and feelings youll have in a relationship that you can never explain to anyone.

so i went downstairs and my mom called. when i picked up and she asked me how i was doing i started to cry again. god, i wish i wasnt such a crybaby. ive never cried so much in my life until i came to college. why is that? Around twelve o'clock i jumped with an idea that said HEY CHALICE GOTTA TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW! I wanted to send her flowers. i wanted to do that so she would know how sincere i really am. if i didnt mean it i wouldnt have spent that money. and its totally not about the money at all because material stuff doesnt matter. it was just a way of telling her that i still really care and that my love for her hasnt changed. i surfed the web for a long time. I looked at tulips, red roses, bouquets, chocolates, teddy bears, sunflowers, daisies... but these beautiful pink roses caught my eye... perfect. not red. not too strong. red is passion. pink. a reminder. a note. friendship. loyalty. sincerity. thats what i felt when i looked at them. then BAM i punched in my credit card number and paid the extra fee to get it shipped on the same damn day. i was so excited. i felt like i was about to burst. but then one of my guy friends from home IMed me. i told him excitedly about my plan and the note that was attatched with it. he said that i made a big mistake. he said, "dont let her know that you need her." and i said, "why not? if she thinks you dont need her, why would she come back? I wouldnt come back if i didnt feel needed." he said, "youre only supposed to let her know that you WANT her. you have to play it cool like you dont need her though." i told him that i thought she seemed different. but secretly hoped that my plan wouldnt backfire on me. after i sent in the confirmation on the roses i started to wonder.. i hope she doesnt get them and get mad and think that i'm resorting to materialistic things.. i hope her friends dont get upset and tell her terrible things about how im trying to win her over and how awful i am because of after everything i send her roses like itll fix everything. but i purposely wrote on the card that i was sorry for making the mistake of hurting her and that i would never do it again. I told her to take all the time she needed and to just know that i'm here. I told her that she is amazing and that we were the best couple ive ever known and that everything happens for a reason. and left it as that. i do want her to be happy. and if shes not happy with me then as painful as that is for me i want her to go out and find someone who will make her happy. but i have faith in us. just because what we had was magic. and if she doesnt come back, then it really wasnt meant to be. because i tried my best. i havent written to you in a while, journal. i have a lot to catch you up on.

now i bet youre wondering what it is i did that messed everything up so terribly? no i didnt cheat, spread rumors, tell lies, steal, or pretend to be someone i'm not.. but what i did do was betray her trust. shes been hurt in the past, and her trust is very difficult to earn back. how i betrayed her trust you asked? well. it was very stupid. i wouldnt have betrayed her trust if i actually told her about it too. it just happened to be the way she found out about it all.

my ex girlfriend was someone that i wanted to keep the peace with because if i ruined my relationship with her then i would ruin it with all the friends i group up with at home because they all love her. so the first idea that came into my head when we started quarreling about my new relationship and all was to make her think that i was on her side. when someone thinks youre on their side, they dont have to argue with you anymore, right? exactly. stupid idea i know. so because i didnt want her words to ruin my good time i was having (and god was i the happiest ive ever been in my life) i sent her messages on facebook telling her that i love her and that christina was only someone to ease the pain of her being gone. yeah. i know. thats a tough thing to convince. how could someone else ease the pain of you being gone? how would that possibly make me feel special? well after i said that i realized that it wasnt as convincing as i thought and she continued to go on about "us" and to not be with christina. so whenever i recieved a message saying any insult or trying to persuade me or anything, i panicked. and i furiously wrote back to her anything that came to mind to convince her that i was on her side again. i felt safe doing this because shes totally in the closet. so i knew that the words i was sending to her was going to stay with her and she wasnt going to do any action about them because she wouldnt and couldnt. but after a month or so i got pretty tired of it. and some uncomfortable things were brought up. id panic again and write back anything that would convince her again but then would start to feel disgusted because now we were getting into some serious stuff. So then i decided one day to just stop all contact with her. so i stopped writing.

two weeks later (during thanksgiving break) christina signed on my facebook by mistake. she saw the "ch" of the name and didnt look at anything else so she saw that she (well me) had messages and went to check them. and then said, wait! this isnt mine! but then saw my ex girlfriend's face and thought hmmm.. then she clicked on the ones i sent her and was mortified. i had only signed offline ten minutes before this after waiting around for a few hours to see if i would catch her online before i went off to bed. my phone was beeping loudly and telling me that it needed battery. damn, i thought to myself. the charger is in my parents room because my stepdad has the same type of phone as me. but if anyone calls me i dont want to wake them up.. so i turned off my phone and went to bed. by the time i turned off my phone it must have been online minutes before she tried to call me. i went to sleep thinking about her. its hard to fall asleep without imagining her next to me. just makes me feel so much more cozy and comfy. i woke up in the morning and my mom stuck my cell phone in my face and said that it was christina. i smiled. i took the phone "hello?" she said "hey, sup?" and i said something or other about me just waking up. but i heard the tension in her voice. "is everything alright?" i asked. and then she told me. she had been crying all night for gods sake. i didnt cry right away because i knew that i didnt do anything bad. once i explained it to her then it would be fine. but after explaining it to her she didnt believe me. then i realized how ridiculous it sounded. and if i were in her shoes, it would be difficult for me to believe her. so it ended. but then got back together after some short-term space. we were doing great. i was so happy and absolutely determined to show her in every way that i wanted to treat her like a princess to show her that she really is the only girl in my heart. but one morning after a week or so, she came into my room and ended it. she said that she thought her trust was returning but it wasnt and she thought we were getting better but what had happened hadnt been able to leave her mind. it just didnt make sense to me. we were so happy. i easily went back to the way we were before the incident because i felt the same way i did before it as i did after it. nothing had changed for me. but something big had changed for her. after she showed me the messages i had sent her i got a huge headache. those words were terrible. they were pure knives to someone who was on the other side. i couldnt believe i even wrote that. it was all for show though.. but i mean jesus, couldnt i have handled the situation any differently? of course i could have! losing her is definitely not worth keeping my friends at home! if i knew this was going to happen i wouldnt have done it. its just so difficult in my mind because it was honestly just a plan. then it backfired. real bad. i didnt want to tell her because i was afraid that she wouldnt understand that if i told my ex girlfriend to fuck off i would lose all my social life at home. but if i had told her, she probably would have helped me find a different way to do it. i just didnt want her to doubt me. i didnt want her to think that maybe behind all those fake emails were actually real feelings. i didnt want her to think it because it wasnt true!

i still think about her before i go to sleep... and just about all day every day. i know her heart is broken, but it doesnt need to be! i wish that she could just believe me 100% and then we'd be fine again. but theres no way i can rack into her brain and make her believe me. my friend told me "let her go, and if she comes back shes yours. if she doesnt come back, she was never yours in the first place."

its just not fair.

i was hers and she was mine. i never wanted to hold her back from anything she wanted to do. i just wanted to make her happy. and i tried my best. but supposedly everything happens for a reason. but what the fuck reason did this happen for? its definitely not doing me any good. The Wiccan Threefold law says "mind the threefold law you should, three times bad and three times good." and i know its true. Two AWFUL, TERRIBLE things have happened. unless if im missing one thats unrelated to my current problems, i have one more bad thing coming before my three goods come around. i'm a patient person, but its hard to be patient when your heart is hurting.

but im going to give her all the time she needs. i believe we had something special. and im willing to show her that thats what i really want, nobody else. just her love.

theres a reason why im making this one public. i guess its because i feel like i have so much to say but i feel like nobody will listen to me or hear me. people keep repeating the same things to me over and over again. or just dont talk to me at all. so i write this to anyone who's willing to listen. im not asking for help. just for someone to hear me.

only time will tell.
why do you have to be so mean to me grandfather time?

what the heck am i doing up?

2006-12-02T05:39:26Z

so i'm supposed to be in front of the Yawkey Center by 11am to go on an outing with our buddies from Best Buddies Emmanuel.

virus gone

2006-11-25T20:37:03Z

eric just fixed the virus on my computer. woot.

thank goodness i dont have that crap popping up every thirty stupid seconds in the middle of my screen anymore.

my first protest?

2006-11-17T03:30:21Z

so i'm really interested in going to protest at the state house on sunday. because governor romney and voteonmarriage.org (the organization sponsoring the anti-gay ammendment) will be holding a press conference at the state house attacking the legislature for derailing the amendment and demanding that they vote on it. there are supposed to be a lot of angry gay-activists oustide of the state house and lots of media coverage.

the rainbow connection is going to meet together at 12:15 on sunday and we're all planning on going together.. well not all, whoever really wants to go i guess. lita our club president suggested to get together to make posters. that sounds like fun! even if we dont get together to make posters, id love to do it on my own.

http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2005/06/17/romney_backs_new_effort_to_prohibit_gay_marriages/

maybe my friends will go with me. maybe.

feeling kinda crappy

2006-11-14T05:54:47Z

im feelin kinda crappy. maybe i should just go to sleep. but i have a paper to write. i think i should write it first and then go to sleep instead of sleeping then waking up to write it. the sad thing is that ill probably end up doing the second choice anyways. im feeling anxious for no reason. dont you just hate it when that happens?

baby names that i like for my kids

2006-11-13T08:27:48Z

i want a lot of kids. i basically breezed through a baby name directory for about three hours and these are officially the names i would consider for my kids at this point.

GIRL NAMES

Adamma - (african) beautiful girl.
Adin - (hebrew) beautiful, adorned.
Adsila - (native american) blossom.
Aiko - (japanese) little loved one.
Ayanna - (african) beautiful flower.
Ayoka - (african) one who causes joy.
Alison - (english) little alice
Annabell - (english) from anna and bella.
Annie - (english) gracious, merciful.
Candy - (american) bright, sweet.
Daisy - (american) daisy flower.
Pearl - (english) pearl.
Luna - (italian) the moon.
Pepper - (american) pepper.
Rain - (american) abundant blessings from above.
Anita - (hebrew) gracious, merciful.
Charlotte - (english) feminine form of Charles.
Cherry - (american) cherry fruit.
Dorothy - (greek) gift from god.
Glory - (english) glory.
Helen - (greek) light.
Lucy - (english) light.
Wanda - (polish) a slender young tree.
Wendy - (english) friend.

BOY NAMES

Adem - (american) of the earth.
Alvin - (american) noble friend.
Arthur - (Celtic/Galeic) bear.
Arien - (hebrew) enchanted.
Haben - (african) pride.
Rudy - (american) famous wolf.
Jimmy - (english) supplanter.
Kennan - (celtic/galeic) ancient.
Clifford - (english) from the cliff ford.
Collin - (english) victory of the people.
Nathan - (hebrew) he gave.
Douglass - (celtic/galeic) dark water.
Emiko - (japanese) smiling child.
Eugene - (english) well born.
Forrest - (english) from the woods.
Carlos - (spanish) free man.
Randy - (english) shield wolf.
Ramon or Raymonal - named after my dad (raymond)
Salem - (american) from Salem.

thinking about christmas

2006-11-12T18:12:14Z

hmm... maybe i'll have another Christmas Party this year in December like i did last year? that was way fun. i'll have to ask my mom about that.

but it would have to probably be with only my high school friends because if i invited half and half then my high school friends might get weird. but its something to think about...

drip drip goes the nose

2006-11-12T18:00:06Z

im sick. my eyes feel dry and heavy. i cant sleep at night. my nose doesnt stop dripping and bleeding. i have heavy sick head. im hungry but then when i smell food i feel nausious. i feel fine in bed but then when i wake up i feel dizzy. i have a sore throat that comes and goes. my back hurts. my body feels crampy no matter what position im in. i cant get comfortable. im coughing. i really dont feel good.

and i have a flu shot to get on tuesday. is this the flu? i dont even know. wouldnt it be ironic if i got the flu two days before i was scheduled for the shot. that would by funny.

last night i was so restless i just stayed up and printed out things to decorate my door with for thanksgiving. i made this list thing for people to write what they were thankful for this year and so far i only have two written from other people. and one of the people i asked to write it there. so if youre from emmanuel. write down what youre thankful for to make me feel like it wasnt such a stupid idea. i feel like people forget that that is what thanksgiving is all about.

its rainy outside. i want to go outside. maybe i should take a shower and see if i feel better then bundle up and go for a nice walk. rain reminds me of how Mother Nature "dances in the clouds and cries tears of joy" and her joy helps the things on earth grow bigger and even more beautiful, and we all thrive off of her happiness for having us. or thats how the story goes anyway. i love that story. i still need to set up my altar again. ive been real lazy. i feel guilty about it every time i look at it but i still havent done it. yes, i think i will go outside.

i want to be a mommy

2006-11-12T05:19:39Z

i'm sick. yes its true. i wonder if that means i cant take my flu shot on tuesday. i hope i can, but i hope that if i can and i do then i wont get sicker. its only bad when i wake up and go to sleep. after a nice shower im fine.

ok so this is really random. today i just keep thinking about wanting to be a mommy. like i just really want to take care of a child. told you it was random. i kept talking about how i would raise my child, whether it be the same or different from the way my mom raised me. of course id do some things the same, and some things differently. but i worry that if i dont marry someone with the same religion as me, that they wont raise the child in my faith. its very important to me that my children are taught the neopaganism faith. i want to have a happy family. not the kind of family i have now. i want a baby. i hope i start my family early. in my twenties. i have so much love to give. i want lots of children. but i want to be able to support them of course financially. so the only thing that would hold me back from having a lot of kids would be money.